Little did they know, I actually had twins. We never did the whole ultrasound thing. Have you seen these crazy mothers hugging the x-ray photos of fetal velociraptors to their chests? As far as technology has come, it has hardly "arrived." What’s that? An arm? A penis? Tom Cruise got his own machine so that he could peek into Katie whenever he wanted. That’s just freaking gross. When the oven door gets opened, heat comes out. Things won’t bake right.

So after Charlie was born, everyone was kind of finished. My husband had gone with the doctor and it was just me and a nurse. Then I felt it.

Listen. We could afford one. One. Two would mean a whole load of sacrifices. I don’t want to sound like a monster, but my first instinct was to hide it somewhere. Push and hide. I used it like a kind of mantra. The meddling nurse though wouldn’t leave me alone. Are you alright? Relax! Want a sedative?

Not to be mean, but this nurse, she was hideous. She had this layered high-rise mole on her cheek that extended in ways a mole should not. It reminded me of those Russian nesting dolls, like it was hiding all sorts of smaller, hollow facial growths inside of it. I’m having another I said in a kind of hiss. I’m shocked at how demonic I sounded, and how the nurse was not at all afraid that this offspring might have real satanic work to do upon the earth. Please take it, I said. You’ve always wanted one. Take it before they come back. I screamed and pushed as hard as I could. When it shot out, the nurse caught it perfectly beneath her arm like a bloody football. And she ran.